I feel so awful. Just full of angsty turmoil. I want to cry and slap someone across the face and go to sleep and drink myself into oblivion. Way to many feelings. Why does K make me feel that way? I feel like Neanderthal after spending a night with Homo sapien. Like, this is what I'm losing out to. Homo sapien is stealing my niche and there's nothing I can do about it; I'm dying off a little more every day. And Homo sapien doesn't give a damn because it's doing just fine. And if I didn't want to lose I shouldn't have been a loser.
She simultaneously makes me feel competitive and like a loser. But it's so annoying. It's nothing that she does. She wouldn't know how to feel that way if she wanted to. And she doesn't want to. But somehow her very existence makes me feel small and worthless.
Like "we" (all the people of the world) agree that Hitler is bad. And so it's difficult for "us" to have to know that we both live in a world where Hitlers exist and live in a world where Hitlers can manage to get in a position to make there crazy be felt. So, "we" just have to be vigilant and do whatever we can to recognize Hitlers, prevent Hitlers, and prevent them from being in positions to effect things. Now sometimes someone might help a Hitler inadvertently while trying to do the right thing. But, that's due to misconception. If they could have seen how their actions would play out, they would have made different choices. So, the world isn't that hard for me to live in when I think about it that way. But, K reminds me that there are some people in the world who don't think that Hitler is bad. Who are glad that Hitlers exist and want them to succeed. And thinking of that makes me feel like life is impossible. Like I can't win. Like life's problems are unsolvable. When not only can we not make the right choices when we agree on what is bad, but we can't even agree on what is bad.
She's so fundamentally different than me. And it's not b/c of misunderstanding. It's literally because she thinks the things that I value are dumb and pointless and she thinks that a whole bunch of stuff that I see no value in is really important. And at the end of the day she really only cares how things affect her. That's it. That's all that there is to her existence. She will never do the right thing, b/c to her it isn't the right thing. She will help or hinder based on its impact to her. That's so foreign to me. And yet everyone thinks she's a nice great person. And she is. And yet... I don't know! There has to be something wrong with living that way. It can't be ok to make decisions only considering yourself. It can't. I end up feeling so confused. And small and worthless.
I wish I could gain some better insight into things. But, I just feel bad. I don't have some great understanding. It doesn't feel like it should be possible for someone to value things so differently than I do and have it be okay. It feels like it harms my values to have her values there as well. Like one will win or lose. Like Homo sapien and Neanderthal. One will lose. And it will be me. But why do I feel that way? Why can't I be like, we're different and living side by side? If someone is very different from me, does that mean we are on opposing sides? That one of is good and one bad? One a loser and one a winner?
I don't know. But I know that's how I feel. I feel like we can never live harmoniously. I feel like if she wins that means I lose. And I feel like she wins. I feel like if people had to choose between us everyone would pick K (pick for what, I don't know, it's just a feeling). She makes me feel that feeling. She reminds me that if we had to choose "teams" right now, that no matter what the team was for, everyone would pick K to be on their team and I would be an afterthought.
But why bother feeling that way, when nobody is picking teams?
I feel like she has the power to effect the world around me. She (and others like her) are shaping the world around us. And they're shaping it in a way that doesn't include a space for me. They don't care if it includes a space for me. They are shaping it for their comfort. And their comfort happens to be the height of discomfort for me. I feel like she will always have more pull than I do with less effort and so is able to shape the world and she sees no reason to question her own motives. Like of course the world should be this way, it's the way that feels best so it must be the best. I feel like I don't want to shape the world to my comfort b/c that creates a world that is uncomfortable for a lot of other people. It would feel wrong and bad to me to shape the world according to what I wanted. So those people who do shape things as they want always win. They have my energy and their energy going towards supporting their world.
I don't know. Everything just feels awful. I'm spouting a lot of negativity. I'm feeling a lot of negativity. But, I don't know.