Why are people so obliviously cruel? And how do I prevent them from getting so deep under my skin. When people are mean I feel so degraded and worthless. Why do people lord their successes over you. Like, 'look I surpassed you now I feel justified in criticizing you and your values.'
I understand that by having values my life will be harder than you. I see very clearly that by being shallow, uncaring, and ass-kissing, you will get some things more easily than I will. I choose to be the way that I am. I would be embarrassed to be the way that you are. I feel sorry for you when I see how pathetic you're willing to be for such small rewards. How easily you feel confident. How easy you find it to look down at others. The smallest accomplishment and suddenly it's proof that your way of doing things is correct and others' ways are wrong. How easily you justify others' struggles.
I don't want to be you. I find you small and pathetic. And yes, sometimes I feel jealous that people fawn over you and give you things. I get resentful that I have to work twice as hard to obtain something than you do, that people enjoy your personality and want to give you things. But, I made my choice with my eyes open. The sacrifice is too much. I'm not going to climb any ladder by behaving in the ways that you do. I've already bent and twisted myself to fit in as much as I can. And I say, "no more." I would rather be me and have less than you than keep trying to be something I'm not in order to acheive.
But what really hurts is that it's not enough for you to be a taker and a receiver. You can't be supportive. My value system is different than yours. And so you find it necessary to degrade me? To give me advice like, 'just don't be everything that you are and you too could have all this.' How am I supposed to respond to that? I thought you were my friend. But, no friend would behave like that. 'I'm just looking out for you.' No, you're not. You're suggesting that I travel down the same paths that broke me before. You're suggesting I choose to be less of a person. God, if only you knew how small you seem. How petty and shallow.
I wanted to be your friend; you have a positive spirit and a brightness that I enjoy. But you're so narrow-minded and narcissistic, so unable to see outside of your incredibly tiny box. So, don't be my friend if you can't accept me for who I am. But, just don't hurt me that way. Just walk away rather than be cruel.
I struggle so much as it is to maintain my confidence. And you have no problem snapping it like a twig. Nobody would appreciate the things you've said. You would hate me if I ever implied to you that you really ought to change things about you to be more like me so that you could get the things that I have. I've obtained all these things by being a certain way, so really it's your fault that you don't have them because you choose to not be like me. To not have my set of strengths, to not have my values, to not have my feelings and beliefs.
How convenient it must be for you to be able to feel so self-righteous. And to express it so freely.
I guess what bothers me is that I really want you to know how wrong you are. You turn our differences into a battle where one must be wrong in order for one to be right. And that makes me want to squash you, to make you know that you're wrong and a giant bitch. It's not the best characteristic in me. But, really, you are such a Bitch.
How could I make her understand?