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How can the weekend depression set in so soon?  It's not even the weekend yet.  It's pre-weekend.  I don't get it.  If I try to think about what's bothering me, it feels like it's going back to work on Sunday.  But that's days away.  How can my whole weekend be ruined by that.  If I imagine never going back... I feel some relief.  I think.  But I just feel terrible right now.  Terrible.  Can't concentrate on anything.  Can't plan anything.  I want these feelings to go away so damn bad.  I hate feeling.  Where is my life?  What do I have?  What would make me feel like I had more?  Go away stupid feelings.  Work doesn't even exist right now.  It's so far away.  Fuck it.  It doesn't exist.  All I have is here and now.  Four days of here and now. 
Depression.  My pills just aren't quite cutting it.  They haven't been all year.  But, now given the stress of my situation, they really aren't enough.  I'm so stressed out.  I don't know what to do about my class situation.  There are so many people to try to talk to get it sorted out.  So many people in my way.  So many unpredictable consequences.  And the exhaustion of 5AM.  I just want it all to go away so badly.  And my body is just giving up on me.  Life feels too hard.

Continued some hours later... still depressed.  I feel so exhausted, just drained.  So much of this to feel.  And so much to worry about for tomorrow.  Things I have to do that make me feel uncomfortable and drained.  I should really get therapy.  Clearly the social anxiety issues are still bothering me.  And then I get bothered and exhausted and then depressed.  And then the depressed sticks.  Like today.
I have to get out of my damn job.  I have to.  I can't take living with evil dictators on miniscule power trips constantly  looming.  It's the kind of thing that gets inside me.  I'm surrounded by people saying, "be afraid, be afraid..." and I don't know how to block that.  Which  makes my anxiety shoot up, which makes tasks that are normally a little bit hard monumental.  Which is like having the steel trap nailed back over my mouth. 

How am I going to resolve my school/work issue in the mean time?  It's inside of me.
How can people aggravate me so much?  The little things they do get under my skin like slivers and just stay there.  I end up repeating angry thoughts and phrases over and over b/c I just can't stand it.  I can't stand when I'm doing work and K likes to pretend like I'm doing nothing and start giving me busy work when everyone else is standing around gabbing about bullshit.  She's such a bitch.  And how can other K1 be such a bad judge of character?  She sees value in the most useless people.  It's all about her.  If someone is rude to her once they're awful horrible people.  But if someone kisses her ass she totally falls for it and judges them positively.  How come people fall for that?  She's so easy to manipulate and so convinced that no one influences her.  So stupid.  And how come everybody is so quick to complain about the tiniest little transgressions in others?  Today they stood around for like an hour talking about how people have too much time on their hands and that allows them to constantly be looking at others and coming up with lists of things those people aren't doing.  Is irony totally lost on everyone?  I feel so much hate right now.  It's just churning inside with on where to go.  I need to vent it out.  I want to punch people.  I hate everyone so much.  It's like having an itchy rash.  All of these annoying little conversations all day trigger me.  And then I just stew in my feelings.  Urg.
I decided to write though I'm not feeling anything in particular.  Because I think that I seek out writing when i feel crappy.  And that makes it seem like I always feel crappy.  However, trying to tune into my emotions when I feel ok triggers some anxiety.  I'm not comfortable saying I feel good.  But today felt like a good day at work.  Good as far as this job goes.   I learned some stuff.  I had some positive interactions.  Even though this morning I SO DID NOT WANT TO GO and I started my work day feeling kind of anxious and in need of calming.

And now I'm done.  Tomorrow I have plenty of time to pack and go on my travels and adventures.  Things are okay. 

How to learn to be comfortable with that?

... Oh no!  Where is my feeling emoji?   That was my favorite part of these stupid journals.  IT'S GONE.  <OVERLYDRAMATIZEDSENSEOFDEVASATIONTHATDOESN'TREALLYAFFECTMEATALL>

OK wait, let me try to fix this...
How am I feeling:
Forget Me Not Flowers PEACEFUL

Ok, I guess I can do it my own way.


valerielake's Profile Picture
United States
Hi! Bio = "life"
I studied biology. (bio=life, ology=study of)
So, I studied the study of life. Stand back... it's a metaphor.
I thought it would be beautiful to study the study of life. And it is, in a way. But, also exasperating.
I thought it would also be practical, job-providing. And it is, in a way. But, also boring.

From bio (life) and graphy (making pictures or writing)
So life writing or life picture... hm, how lovely. But, isn't that the point of here. I fill my life with pictures in order to paint a picture of my life?

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Journal History


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JohnPatience Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2016
Thanks for the fave  :)
TlachtgaDreamArtist Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the fav's :hug:
ArdenEllenNixon Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2015
Thank you for the faves!
artisticartery Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013
Thanks for the dWatch and sorry for the late reply, Valerie!
peregrin71 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013
Thanks for the fave!
ohpewpew Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :D
igreeny Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
Thank you for :+fav: I appreciate that very much :squee:
My FB [link] :)
Threshold-Assassin Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Thanks for adding "Living Proof" to your favorites. C:
WheresYour-HeART Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fav! :D
Phanox Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
many thx for the :+fav: :)
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