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  • Mood: Resentful
I feel so awful.  Just full of angsty turmoil.  I want to cry and slap someone across the face and go to sleep and drink myself into oblivion.  Way to many feelings.  Why does K make me feel that way?  I feel like Neanderthal after spending a night with Homo sapien.  Like, this is what I'm losing out to.  Homo sapien is stealing my niche and there's nothing I can do about it; I'm dying off a little more every day.  And Homo sapien doesn't give a damn because it's doing just fine.  And if I didn't want to lose I shouldn't have been a loser.  

She simultaneously makes me feel competitive and like a loser.  But it's so annoying.  It's nothing that she does.  She wouldn't know how to feel that way if she wanted to.  And she doesn't want to.  But somehow her very existence makes me feel small and worthless.  

Like "we" (all the people of the world) agree that Hitler is bad.  And so it's difficult for "us" to have to know that we both live in a world where Hitlers exist and live in a world where Hitlers can manage to get in a position to make there crazy be felt.  So, "we" just have to be vigilant and do whatever we can to recognize Hitlers, prevent Hitlers, and prevent them from being in positions to effect things.  Now sometimes someone might help a Hitler inadvertently while trying to do the right thing.  But, that's due to misconception.  If they could have seen how their actions would play out, they would have made different choices.  So, the world isn't that hard for me to live in when I think about it that way.  But, K reminds me that there are some people in the world who don't think that Hitler is bad.  Who are glad that Hitlers exist and want them to succeed.  And thinking of that makes me feel like life is impossible.  Like I can't win.  Like life's problems are unsolvable.  When not only can we not make the right choices when we agree on what is bad, but we can't even agree on what is bad.  

She's so fundamentally different than me.  And it's not b/c of misunderstanding.  It's literally because she thinks the things that I value are dumb and pointless and she thinks that a whole bunch of stuff that I see no value in is really important.  And at the end of the day she really only cares how things affect her.  That's it.  That's all that there is to her existence.  She will never do the right thing, b/c to her it isn't the right thing.  She will help or hinder based on its impact to her.  That's so foreign to me.  And yet everyone thinks she's a nice great person.  And she is.  And yet... I don't know!  There has to be something wrong with living that way.  It can't be ok to make decisions only considering yourself.  It can't.  I end up feeling so confused.  And small and worthless.  

I wish I could gain some better insight into things.  But, I just feel bad.  I don't have some great understanding.  It doesn't feel like it should be possible for someone to value things so differently than I do and have it be okay.  It feels like it harms my values to have her values there as well.  Like one will win or lose.  Like Homo sapien and Neanderthal.  One will lose.  And it will be me.  But why do I feel that way?  Why can't I be like, we're different and living side by side?  If someone is very different from me, does that mean we are on opposing sides?  That one of is good and one bad?  One a loser and one a winner?  

I don't know.  But I know that's how I feel.  I feel like we can never live harmoniously.  I feel like if she wins that means I lose.  And I feel like she wins.  I feel like if people had to choose between us everyone would pick K (pick for what, I don't know, it's just a feeling).  She makes me feel that feeling.  She reminds me that if we had to choose "teams" right now, that no matter what the team was for, everyone would pick K to be on their team and I would be an afterthought.  

But why bother feeling that way, when nobody is picking teams? 

I feel like she has the power to effect the world around me.  She (and others like her) are shaping the world around us.  And they're shaping it in a way that doesn't include a space for me.  They don't care if it includes a space for me.  They are shaping it for their comfort.  And their comfort happens to be the height of discomfort for me.  I feel like she will always have more pull than I do with less effort and so is able to shape the world and she sees no reason to question her own motives.  Like of course the world should be this way, it's the way that feels best so it must be the best.  I feel like I don't want to shape the world to my comfort b/c that creates a world that is uncomfortable for a lot of other people.  It would feel wrong and bad to me to shape the world according to what I wanted.  So those people who do shape things as they want always win.  They have my energy and their energy going towards supporting their world.  

I don't know.  Everything just feels awful.  I'm spouting a lot of negativity.  I'm feeling a lot of negativity.  But, I don't know.  
  • Mood: Neutral
So many little things that I'd like to improve: clean, organize, finish things I've started, exercise... and so little motivation.  Whenever I have time, even if I try, I get so bogged down.  Such a pile-up of little things.  I keep making a list and then ignoring my list.  I don't feel horrible about it this weekend.  It was nice having an unproductive weekend.  But, I'd like to feel like I can get more done.  I don't feel capable at this point.  Mild depression I guess.  And a build up of a life of more than mild depression. 
  • Mood: Questionable
Addiction.  There are some things that feel so good to do, but then I'll spend a whole bunch of time and end up feeling bad.  I crave repetitive video games, binge watching television, junk food, and alcohol.  Sometimes I crave the computer and I open it up and stare at the screen, but can't even think of anything I want there.  I just know I crave being on it. 

And nothing feels better than indulging these things.  But then there's some point where it gets to be too much and then all of that positive feeling turns to physical discomfort or depression.  Amazingly sometimes even after I feel like shit I still crave more. 

And yet I wouldn't want to cut these things out of my life entirely.  I think.  Though what if I did?  The reality is it feels almost impossible to give those things up.  I want to have them in moderation.  But I don't feel in control.  That's why it all feels like an addiction.  I don't know what the plan is, but I know something is there.

It's important that I don't feel threatened like all of my comforts are being ripped away.  That makes me cling more strongly.  But how is it that comforts become addictions?  I guess that's the question.  And what amount of comfort should I be seeking?  Life can't be all about comfort, then it's cushy and meaningless and depressing.  But I'm so used to feeling overwrought, overwhelmed, stretched thin.  Whenever I think about comfort I yearn for it.  Even right now as I'm already watching TV and staring at a screen, I'm now also craving comfort food and alcohol. 

How do I decide what the limits are?  Any hard and fast rule would feel arbitrary.  I can't say just one show or just one drink.  Because it's ok sometimes to have more than one.  It's just not ok all of the time.  How do I find the discipline to follow any rules even if I can come up with them?

And maybe limits/rules isn't the way to do it.  Maybe I need alternatives.  When I'm busy with other things cravings don't have as much power.  Of course all other things involve frustrations and then I get vulnerable again. 

Ideas, not sure about solutions. 
  • Mood: Worried
Almost done with January and thinking about goals.
Not a big surprise that mood is the hardest thing to combat.  I'm in a bad mood I get almost nothing done for the weekend.  So what can I do to smooth this?  Once a mood settles I'm not sure that it's practical to try to get out of it and try to get things done anyway.  It just makes me hate whatever it is I'm doing.  And that's counterproductive.  I mean the entire point of having goals is to make life a little more filled with joy and meaning.  The kind of joy and meaning that can only happen when you feel productive and creative like you've brought something into the world.  Like you're going somewhere and your days matter.  So dragging myself through those goals is pointless.  When I'm in a bad mood I have to go sideways.  Drop all goals and try other things: napping, exercise, having a lazy day, maybe napping outside or just driving to the cross and reading there.  I should make a list of things to do when I'm depressed on the weekend.  Things that have no point other than taking me sideways and maybe in that way pulling me into a different frame of mind.

But the other consideration is if I can possibly take action to prevent the mood.  Am I asking too much of myself?  Making my lists too long?  I could try better to get boring chores done during the week so that I don't just have a pile-up when the weekend comes.  It might make me feel a little freer.  At least one workday maybe I could try that.  I could pick one goal to focus on for the weekend and only let myself write that one goal down and nothing else matters.  Anything else I get done is just sprinkles on top. 

Where do the weekend blues come from?  Maye research a little more. 

Goal for this weekend: reflect on goal productivity so far. 
  • Mood: Angsty
I feel a deep ache of sadness. 
    What are dreams? 
    When they come true they're like a shitty ghost of what you thought. 
    What is life without dreams? 
    Just shit. 
An ache that can't quite peak to anything more painful. 
Nothing sears or tears. 
Nothing cuts.  Nothing breaks. 
Just aches. Aches. 
    Why is life so sad?  What does it look like to not be sad? 
    Small.  Is small happy? 
    Too big is steeped in bullshit. 
What do talents matter?  Where should they be directed?  And how to get there? 
Keep it small: just you and him, just you and them. 
But then you always crave more. 
If a little feels good, more must be better.  Dreams...

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valerielake's Profile Picture
valerielake
Valerie
United States
Hi! Bio = "life"
I studied biology. (bio=life, ology=study of)
So, I studied the study of life. Stand back... it's a metaphor.
I thought it would be beautiful to study the study of life. And it is, in a way. But, also exasperating.
I thought it would also be practical, job-providing. And it is, in a way. But, also boring.

Biography
From bio (life) and graphy (making pictures or writing)
So life writing or life picture... hm, how lovely. But, isn't that the point of here. I fill my life with pictures in order to paint a picture of my life?
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:icontlachtgadreamartist:
TlachtgaDreamArtist Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the fav's :hug:
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:iconardenellennixon:
ArdenEllenNixon Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2015
Thank you for the faves!
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:iconartisticartery:
artisticartery Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013
Thanks for the dWatch and sorry for the late reply, Valerie!
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:iconperegrin71:
peregrin71 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013
Thanks for the fave!
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:iconohpewpew:
ohpewpew Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :D
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:iconigreeny:
igreeny Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
Thank you for :+fav: I appreciate that very much :squee:
My FB [link] :)
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:iconthreshold-assassin:
Threshold-Assassin Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Thanks for adding "Living Proof" to your favorites. C:
<3
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:iconwheresyour-heart:
WheresYour-HeART Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fav! :D
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:iconphanox:
Phanox Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
many thx for the :+fav: :)
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:iconjohnpatience:
JohnPatience Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013
Thanks very much for the watch and the faves :)
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